Sporadic Rambling

Wow, so... real quick, look at the titles of the two entries under this one. I just realized that both of them, months apart, were  posted on either ends of really good and really bad events in my life. The subject and titles were complete coincidence. Isn't life weird sometimes?

I guess that just shows how good the last two-three months have been for me. As for what that means about karma..? So much for being objective about it, haha.

The more I experience and go through life, the more I realize that sometimes you DO get what you give.

Even if it's not all the time and not in all areas of life, I'm glad that small amounts of karma exist in the world. Doing the right thing and treating people with the kindness and respect they deserve is never a mistake, so as hard as it is, never stop making the effort to make this world a better place. You'll reap the benefits somehow in the end if you stay strong and dedicated to your convictions and focus on the happiness of your loved ones rather than only yourself.

Allow me to be self-reflective for a moment and explain the motivation for this entry. I'm coming from a really good place in my life right now where events are moving forward and I've met people who, for once, treat me well and reciprocate what I have to offer. I feel almost overwhelmed at how much my life has picked up in the last two to three months... as I approach the one year anniversary of the day I left my fiance, looking back at how I've healed those wounds has been a very gradual process. But it's one for which I cannot express how fortunate I am to have come out so well-adjusted. Perhaps it is my indomitable spirit, perhaps it is the wisdom I've gained from the experience... whatever it is, it just goes to show that regardless of the terrible things that happened to me (even though I take full responsibility for not preventing them), my good intentions and heart are being rewarded in the end.

So back to my point.. how much stock do I put in karma? It's a difficult question. There are many areas of life where karma shows a remarkable and heart-wrenching absence.. the same can be said of people who are less fortunate than I am. Images of abused, neglected, and starving children in third world countries come to mind.. along with the hard-working lower class families who live paycheck to paycheck and can't afford healthcare despite working a 70 hour workweek.. along with everyone in between. Do those kind of people ever get what they give? It's not my place to wave the banner of the magic of karma when those kind of people are suffering every day despite having no ill volition.

Regardless... I think I can safely speak to the importance of putting good karma into the world. As wishy washy as that sounds, I think it's something that many people neglect to do, despite having an otherwise good nature. If all we do as humans is act on our base instincts of survival and getting what we want, how are we any better than wild animals? Compassion, selflessness, and the willingness to sacrifice your own selfish desires for the benefit of others is what makes us human. Of course balance and judgement play a key role in this, as you should never allow others to walk on or take advantage of you (guilty! hopefully not so much anymore though).

So.. yeah. I know it's not really "cool" to comment on LiveJournal entries anymore, but I warmly invite any readers who have comments or thoughts on what I've said to post a response on this entry. It doesn't matter who you are or how well I know you (you can post anonymously if you don't have a LJ account), but I would love any kind of feedback on my thoughts about karma and the human experience, and I'll be sure to respond. :)

Just remember when you think you're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me


I'm really tired of being used, under appreciated, and mistreated by those close to me. In all of my relationships with people, whether it be friendship or a more intimate involvement, I always seem to end up getting the shaft. I give it my all to be an honest and reliable friend.. I suppose that's just my nature in the fact that I am that kind of person by default.

But when it comes to receiving the same courtesy in return? Nope. I get flaked on, abandoned, betrayed, and manipulated. What ever happened to karma? I have put way too much good karma into the world for the kind of shit I've gotten from other people. I'm not perfect by any means. I know that. But any time I make a mistake or do something to hurt someone, I try my best to compensate for it.. and overall, I would say that I put others before myself when I make decisions. I can't say the same for most of the people I've gotten truly close to.

The only thing I can do is hope that someday, those who have wronged me will realize that they fucked up, and will actually feel some kind of remorse for it. I am talking about several people in particular, but I won't cite names, as I've shared with them my sentiments about how they've treated me.

But does their simple remorse give me any sense of justice or closure? I'm not sure anymore. After this has happened time and time again, I find it more and more difficult to let people in. For the most part, I don't think I can trust anyone that I meet anymore, because experience dictates that they will end up disappointing or hurting me. It doesn't help when I open up to them intimately anyway and still get shafted all the same. This has happened with three separate people just in the last nine months. Once again, I won't throw names around, but they all know who they are.

Is it so much to expect the same treatment that you give to others?

Times like these make me wish that I could reflect a mirror on my own psyche.

For most of my decisions, there are no qualms. I see the most logical solution and execute it.

But with affairs of the heart.. the rules never seem to apply. I see the most logical solution with my mind, but that is hardly enough to satisfy the rampant desires that feeling and emotion so incessantly insist on inflicting upon my mind.

Maybe if I make it sound more eloquent, it'll be easier to justify. I like to think of myself as matured and past certain juvenile notions of affection and entitlement. And when I have an errant notion of something beneath me, I can for the most part dispel it. If only it were always that clean and simple. What was that Kingdom Hearts song? Simple and clean.... mm, if only life were that easy.

Sometimes I wonder how much I've actually changed.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the Romantic movement.. in particular, the nature of the Romantic hero, and what makes him the fancy of so many women. Of course I'm referring to the period in the nineteenth century when the dark and brooding nature of the imagination was all the rage among the intellectuals, not the Valentine's Day roses and chocolates romance.

But I would like to more critically examine the appeal of the so-called "Byronic Hero." So, in the true spirit of a modern lazy academic, I shamelessly copy and paste this bullet point list from Wikipedia's article on the Byronic Hero.. after all, how better to find an organized and concise list of said hero's qualities?

The ones in bold are what I think are positive qualities in men:

• Arrogant
• Cunning and able to adapt
• Cynical
• Disrespectful of rank and privilege
• Emotionally conflicted, bipolar, or moody
• Having a distaste for social institutions and norms
• Having a troubled past or suffering from an unnamed crime
• Intelligent and perceptive
• Jaded, world-weary
• Mysterious, magnetic and charismatic
• Seductive and sexually attractive
• Self-critical and introspective
• Self-destructive
• Socially and sexually dominant
• Sophisticated and educated
• Struggling with integrity
• Treated as an exile, outcast, or outlaw

Lately I've been wondering if I'm pretentious. I was at a party Saturday night and spent the first hour or two talking to some friends about books. Deep into the conversation, someone told me that I was pretentious, and then with some alcohol in him, kept repeating this thought throughout the night.

Then yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend about The Scarlet Letter. I was surprised she had never read it, since most people do in high school, and I think she got the impression that I was insulting her intelligence. And in a way I think I was. But the thing is, I care about this person, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I understand that not everyone has the same interests that I do, and that doesn't make them any less intelligent.

I really do want to accept my friends and family as they are and love them regardless. And in most ways I do. But there is that little part of me that favors the ones who can engage in critical thinking and can stimulate my intellectual curiosity. Is that so wrong? Is that... pretentious?

The reason the possibility bothers me so much is that I hate that quality in others. And that begs the question of WHY I hate pretentious people. Is it simply because I truly don't like to see others being belittled, or is it because I see that quality in myself and subconsciously hate myself for it? It is a common occurrence that I'll catch myself saying something snobbish, then try to make up for it with some kind of amendment like "but I have a lot of other friends who don't read either" or "yeah, I know most people don't like classical music". I hate the thought that friends are insulted by my prejudices...

I love novels. We all know this. But it's not just the ideas and messages contained in them.. it is the feeling of a physical book in your hands. I like old, used books that open easily and look like they have been well loved with use. I like the feeling that I can toss it to the side without damaging it, that I can open and flip through it without worrying about the state of the binding.

And book covers... ugh, how I hate them. If it didn't feel like such a crime, I would throw away all of my books' covers the moment I obtained them. They feel awkward in your hand, you have to be constantly wary about bending them or losing their contour. It's like a sort of shield that only adds a barrier of separation between you and the work.

I realized how much I hate new books when I decided to give Hemingway another try. I read a few of his novels in high school.. but I bought new printed versions from Barnes & Noble. They were nice and shiny! Aaaand.. I found that I never wanted to read them. It was a chore to pick them up and work through them, and I only really did it because I know I should be familiar with all classic authors. All of  my old book collection was left in Houston, so a few weeks ago I picked up a nice stack of used books at a library. I picked up Islands in the Stream at the recommendation of my stepfather, who had seen the movie made after it.. and I figured, why not? It's only fifty cents...

And I fell in love. This piece of paperback crap is bent all over, has yellowed pages, is a little waterlogged.. and I adore it. I don't have to treat it like an artifact because it's already in poor condition. I also breezed through the first 200 pages in two days and find that I don't want to put it down. If anything, I think it brings me closer to the story, which is set on a very small island in the Bahamas. I've never found novels intimidating, but worn out paperbacks are certainly more inviting than the ones you spend $25 for at bookstores.

I read a pretty interesting article on what men look for in women. Most of it was stuff I've heard before, but I think one aspect he mentions is particularly important. It's something that many women neglect when they enter a relationship: personal integrity. If you'd like to read the whole article, here it is.


Most women don’t understand why they feel so much insecurity and constant worry in life.

It’s because they have never developed a sense of honor, integrity and the feeling of self-respect and love that comes with it.

Most men don’t value women who don’t value themselves.

Having honor and integrity gives you a sense of freedom and power that nothing else can give you.

Integrity creates sanity. It’s one of the few things you come into the world with, and its one of the easiest things to take for granted and sell to try to be accepted by other people.

On the other hand, if you build too many walls around yourself and try to become “all powerful” you lose your delicacy, your female beauty and then you lose your attractiveness to men. I’ve seen this happen to too many women.

It’s a delicate balance and you must understand how to balance it correctly.

Here’s a simple list I suggest you start with:

a. Your Health. Your mind, body and soul come FIRST. Without you there is nothing else so you must be kept in good shape and happy.

b. Love. Love is one of the highest values. Love comes BEFORE pleasure although most people always reverse them. Ever ask yourself “Is it love or lust?” They can’t tell because pleasure has always come first. You must know how to bring LOVE to the front.

c. Freedom. Never be a slave to anybody, even if you feel like you want to, and never allow your to have any slaves. You are a free being, and most men want this in a woman.

d. Pleasure. Celebration comes naturally after all of these things are taken care of. Most people try to put pleasure as their number one. They will abuse their bodies, weaken their integrity and sell their soul to have it. Most people are not in pursuit of happiness, they are in pursuit of PLEASURE…but that pleasure is always accompanied by pain. There’s an endless rollercoaster of pleasure/pain when it becomes number one. However, pleasure comes naturally when it comes after other more important things… like having the “know how” to sustain a long LASTING relationship.

There are some days that I want to forfeit all of my responsibilities, curl up into a ball, and cry. Today is one of those days.